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DILEMMA:
"Sharon" was a divorced, 45 year old woman who
maintained a close relationship with her older sister, (Sis).
Being divorced did not change Sharon’s relationship with Sis,
and she was still included in special celebrations, like she had
been when she was married. During the past two years, however,
Sharon was becoming upset and more angry with Sis, since her
invitations for parties and holidays did not include Sharon’s
boyfriend of two years. Although Sharon and her boyfriend did
not live together, they were very much a couple, and with each
time that he was excluded from social/family gatherings, Sharon
became more resentful toward Sis. The final blow came when Sis
had an invitation to her son’s wedding, mailed and addressed to
Sharon only. Sharon was hurt and outraged that Sis had not
included her “significant other.” To add to the resentment,
Sis had invited Sharon only, to a graduation party for her
daughter to be held in the next week. When Sharon came for
coaching, she felt the only solution to this was to cut off her
relationship with her sister. She was feeling a profound sense
at loss at “the only choice left to make.”
HOW THE COACH WORKS:
I relayed to Sharon that I felt sad for her, since she must
have thought long and hard to come up with such an extreme
solution to her problem. When I explored her reasons for ending
the relationship, and why she thought her sister didn’t include
her boyfriend, she answered, “I resent, for a person my age, to
be treated like a child. My whole family is judgmental. They
have met my boyfriend, but probably don’t like him. But I
really think that they do not approve of the way we are
conducting our relationship—not wanting to marry.”
I asked her, "If someone offered you other
options to resolve this, would you consider them?” She agreed.
I asked, “Did you ever tell your sister you were bringing
Dennis (boyfriend) with you for Christmas dinner, or xyz party (not
ask permission)? “Oh, no,” she said. “I would never do that.
She should know to include him without me telling her.” I
asked, “What would have happened if you just showed up with
him—assumed that it was perfectly normal to appear at the door
with your mate?” “Oh, that would be rude,” she said. “I could
never do that.”
I introduced the idea, gently, that she
needed to own some responsibility in perpetuating this strange
family behavior. We worked on a plan of “educating” her
family: that this man is part of her life, is “family” to her,
so to speak, and that she expects him to be included with her
whenever she is invited to a gathering. Sharon’s problem was
that she assumed that they should know. She was
not assertive in making her needs known. I asked her what would
happen if she showed up to her niece’s graduation party, with
Dennis? What was holding her back? She protested that she
could never do that, but then I pointed out that at one
time, I bet, she thought she could never cut her sister out of
her life, and she was ready to take that risk. This risk
had much smaller stakes. We discussed what could possibly
happen, that would be negative. Would the family throw Dennis
out? Maybe there wouldn’t be enough food? Would they be angry
at her? What could be the best thing to happen, if she brought
him?
Sharon decided to take the “biggest risk of
my life.” She would just show up at the graduation party, with
Dennis, (unannounced). She arranged to call me from her cell
phone, “when things go wrong.” I was available to support her
during the hours of the party, but was not surprised when she
didn’t call me. The outcome? Sis, the relatives, and the guests
were friendly and interested in talking to Dennis. Sharon and
Dennis had a great time at the party, and stayed on for hours
talking to Sis and husband, long after the guests left. Sis
explained it never occurred to her to invite Dennis; because she
was so accustomed to inviting Sharon alone all these years, she
never gave it a thought. And if she did, she assumed Sharon
would want “quality time” alone with Sis, like they did when she
was a little girl.
And yes, Sharon danced with Dennis at her
nephew’s wedding!
Part of a coach’s role is to elicit
self discovery through asking provocative questions, and
challenging beliefs and perceptions. Our thoughts shape our
feelings, reactions and behaviors.
By
“assuming” what others “should” do and “should” know, and how
they “probably” think, keeps us in the dark zone, by drawing
erroneous conclusions. Seeking clarity, and expressing one’s
needs and desires is the key to understanding. A coach supports
you as you take the risks necessary for growth.
Contact Carole
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